A GOOD GUY IS HARD TO FIND

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

Of all the genders, men are the worst. We are an ill-tempered lot, grumpy, quick to offense, and overly competitive. We cannot handle rejection.

This picture emerged over ten years of online dating, perhaps seventy first dates, before I found my soul partner at age 61. In the subsequent decade, I haven’t gotten over the horrible dating stories that spilled out matter-of-factly from a broad swath of charming and likable women whom I met over a glass of wine or tea. As I caught on to the pattern of male nastiness, I became fascinated and asked about it during my own first dates. The women immediately opened up. Almost all of them had a terrible story. I often felt like apologizing for my sex.

On the way to the last No Kings rally, I mentioned that I was writing about this. Immediately one of my passengers told this story:

“After a second date, I told the guy by email that he seemed like a great, kind guy, and our conversation had been fascinating, but that I wasn’t looking to continue. He emailed and asked whether he had done something wrong. I told him no, and reiterated that he seemed like a terrific guy, just not what I was looking for. He wrote back, ‘Well I didn’t think you were very pretty anyway.’”

Here are reactions from spurned men that I recall hearing about from women I dated. Keep in mind that the behaviors described, and the fright the men inspired, all occurred after one, two, or three dates, a tiny amount of time in which to get to know someone. All the men in question were well-educated and relatively high-income, and up to the point of rejection seemed normal and well-adjusted.

“He told me I was a bitch.” “He wouldn’t stop emailing me.” “He called me every name in the book.” “He said I would regret it the rest of my life.” “I actually got scared.” “Talk about Jekyll and Hyde.” “He said I was an ugly loser.”

I learned that once a woman in the dating pool had caught on to this male pattern awfulness, she adjusted her rejection behavior.

“I’m always vague about the reason, so the guy won’t have anything specific he can attack me for.” “Ghosting is the best way out, with the fewest repercussions.” “I immediately block them.” “Being nice doesn’t help.”

What’s going on here? Why are men so creepy? The theme I started to consider was that American men are not taught how to handle rejection. At all. Dating rejection is one example, but an exaggerated fear of losing face spreads across male activities, from making friends to participating in sex to working in a job and playing house. Women and gay men will probably shrug at what I’m saying as old hat. But believe me that most men are oblivious to their own mess.

First, a little statistical grounding at the extreme edge of this problem:

Men are four times more likely to kill a partner than women. They are three times more likely to commit non-lethal domestic violence than women, and a higher percentage of female violence is in self-defense.

Here’s Margaret Atwood in 1982 on the same subject:

Why do men feel threatened by women? I asked a male friend of mine. … “I mean,” I said, “men are bigger, most of the time, they can run faster, strangle better, and they have on the average a lot more money and power.”

“They’re afraid women will laugh at them,” he said. “Undercut their worldview.”

Then I asked some women students … “Why do women feel threatened by men?”

“They’re afraid of being killed,” they said.

More statistics: Women are more sensitive to rejection, but offset that by reconnecting with friends after rejection. Men tend to withdraw socially after a rejection. Women repair; men sulk.

Researchers say that cisgender men are the most likely to react to sexual rejection with anger or further pursuit.

One more point: What’s the maximum compliment women share with each other when praising a male partner? “He’s a good guy.” It’s not-so-subtle code for a man who displays basic decency and respect for women. In any other context, “good guy” might be damning with faint praise. But in the world of male-female relationships, the bar for an acceptable man is low.

Over the next few months off and on I’ll explore this horrorshow, not for schadenfreude, but to describe causes and solutions where known. You might already have your own theories of causality: DNA, Darwin, evolutionary psychology, paternalism, sports mania, toy guns versus dolls, misogyny, arrested development, competition, pecking orders, rugged individualism, capitalism, bullying, locker room talk, cultural stereotypes, invulnerability, emotional illiteracy … you get the point. They’re all part of the picture, and they can all be in play for understanding and correction.